Three weeks.

Three weeks at the very end of my maternity leave. Three weeks with a toddler who still needs me for everything, and a newborn. Three weeks to do it all alone, knowing the day he comes home is the same day I have to leave and go back to work.

I didn’t expect this at all. Being a wife to a husband with a job like his kind of makes you numb to the momenta you have to be alone. But to finish out your maternity leave all alone is not only physically exhausting, it is mentally exhausting and just deeply sad. I feel like I move through my days in a fog, meeting needs, and barely holding it together. As it gets closer to him having to leave I can literally feel myself getting more and more numb, like my mind is trying to protect me from the weight of it all.

It’s not just solo parenting, its the timeline (it always happens at the worst times for me) OH, the cherry on top - he leaves ON Mother's Day. My first mother's day as a mom of two - alone. It’s the pressure of getting mentally and physically ready to return to work (which is gut wrenching as it is) while I’m already running on actual empty.

It’s the kind of exhaustion that sleep doesn’t fix because it's like a deep cut.

More than anything, it’s made me realize how much being in a marriage like this takes a toll on a parent. How much it takes to carry it all without help. I am so incredibly thankfuIl have a big loving family that is always happy to help but to those who do this without a village, my goodness, I see you in a way I didn’t fully understand before. This isn’t just hard, it’s consuming. There are days that I have no one and to imagine that's every day for some spouses who are mothers makes me so sad.

Right now, I am really just trying my best and to hold it all together. Sometimes it looks like admitting this is too much to carry alone (which I have learned is much better than pretending it's not) and giving myself an eternity of grace.