I have been feeling really down lately, and honestly, I don’t really know what to call it. I don’t know if what I’m feeling is enough to be considered postpartum depression, but I do know that I’m not myself right now. I thought going back to work after my second baby would be easier, especially because I had more time with him this time around. I went back for a month in June and it really wasn’t that bad, but looking back, I think maybe it felt easier because I knew it was temporary. I knew summer was right around the corner and that soon I would have my babies back with me all day. Now that I’m back for the school year, it feels completely different. I’m a teacher, and this first week back has been an absolute gut punch. There is something that feels so unnatural about leaving my kids with someone else all day, paying someone to be with them, and then going to work to spend my day with other people’s children when all I want to do is be with my own. I know they are safe. I know they are loved. I know they are being taken care of. I know how lucky I am to have someone I trust with them. But knowing all of that doesn’t make walking away from them feel any less heartbreaking. And then I come home and there is another kind of exhaustion waiting for me. The house is an absolute mess because everyone is adjusting to a new routine after months of being home together, and the kids are completely out of the groove we had created. So instead of getting to come home and enjoy the few precious hours I have with them, I feel like I have to spend an hour cleaning just so I can feel like I can breathe in my own house. And that frustrates me more than I can even explain because all I want to do is sit with my kids, play with them, hear about their day, soak them up and enjoy them. Then I have to make dinner, clean up again, get everyone ready for bed and somehow make it through the nighttime routine when I am already completely drained mentally and physically. By the time the kids are finally asleep, I feel like I have absolutely nothing left. I feel so burnt out that I can already feel myself becoming bitter toward work and just sad about life in general. And then I feel guilty for feeling that way because I know I have a good job and I know there are so many things in my life that I should be grateful for. But I’m learning that gratitude and sadness can exist at the same time. I can be grateful for my job and still wish more than anything that I could stay home with my kids. I can love my students and still miss my children all day long. I can know that my kids are happy and cared for and still feel heartbroken when I leave them. I think that’s the part of motherhood that people don’t always talk about. Sometimes you can know that you are doing the right thing for your family and still feel completely brokenhearted while doing it. It’s only week one and my heart already aches tremendously, and if I’m being honest, I don’t know how I’m going to make it through the school year feeling the way I do right now. Maybe we’ll eventually find our rhythm. Maybe the kids will adjust. Maybe I will adjust. Maybe the house won’t always feel like it’s falling apart and maybe one day leaving for work won’t feel quite so painful. I really hope so. For now, I’m just trying to remind myself that struggling with this doesn’t mean I’m ungrateful, and it certainly doesn’t mean I’m failing. It just means this season is really, really hard. So if you’re a mom who is also dropping your kids off and crying in the car, rushing home only to feel overwhelmed by everything waiting for you, or wondering how you are possibly going to keep doing all of this, I hope you know you aren’t alone. Maybe we don’t have to figure out the entire school year right now. Maybe we just have to get through this week, and then the next one, and give ourselves a little grace while we find our way. Because sometimes motherhood is loving your life deeply while also admitting that, right now, it feels really hard to live it.
