Next week I go back to work after maternity leave. Thankfully, as a teacher, I only go back for 4 weeks before summer vacation, which honestly makes this transition feel so different than it did the first time around.
With my daughter, I went back the first week of November and it was absolutely brutal. I still had the whole school year ahead of me and I remember feeling so anxious about being away from her. Every day felt heavy and emotional.
This time feels different though.
I definitely still feel emotional and of course I’m going to miss my children tremendously, but I don’t feel as anxiety ridden as I did the first time. I think part of that is because I already went through this once before and survived it. I know now that the transition is hard, but it does get easier. I also think it helps so much that I already have relationships with my students and I’m actually excited to get back and see them again.
Thankfully, we also have a wonderful nanny helping us, which gives me a huge sense of peace going back to work.
But honestly, the biggest anxiety I’m feeling right now isn’t even about going back to work. It’s about how I look.
And maybe this sounds vain, but I know I can’t be the only postpartum mom who feels this way. I’m nowhere near where I hoped I’d be physically at 3 months postpartum going back to work. I’ve been working hard with diet and exercise, and unfortunately it just hasn’t seemed to pay off yet (fingers crossed).
I think what I’m most nervous about is walking back into work feeling uncomfortable in my own skin. I worry people will look at me and judge how I look, even though realistically most people probably aren’t thinking about it nearly as much as I am.
Postpartum really is such a roller coaster. You can feel stronger emotionally one minute and then incredibly insecure the next. You can feel excited to get back to parts of yourself and your career while also feeling sad about leaving your babies.
Two things can exist at once, and I’m trying to remind myself of that going into this next chapter.
