Two big fears I have always had was getting sick (think tummy bug) and gaining weight. These are a whole other story, but I am telling you this now because ... .pregnancy. Not all pregnancy! But my pregnancy.

It took my husband and I a bit longer than we hoped to get pregnant. We were actually seeing a fertility specialist and found out we were finally pregnant naturally LITERALLY the week before we were going in for our first IUI appointment. We had a less than 10% chance to conceive naturally and getting negative test results month after month, only makes you want that baby even more and more.

Finally, a dream come true, in a not so dreamy fashion. I took a test only because I was prescribed medicine for the fabulous bronchitis I had and as my doctor prescribed it to me he warned me  that you must not take this medicine if you are pregnant.

So, as I sat there coughing, he asked me if there was a chance, I said NOPE, firmly and with certainty. After all, what were the odds that this month would be the one.

I went home, and took my medicine. The next day…I took my medicine. But when I went to take my second dose of the day, I couldn't shake a tiny voice in my head, a mother’s intuition if you will, to take a test.

I did, and it immediately read “yes+”. Dumbfounded, I took another and instead of immediate joy, I had immediate panic. Panic bc I JUST TOOK MEDICINE I WAS BASICALLY FORBADE TO TAKE WHILE PREGNANT.

Long story short, it was all good lol.

As the first few weeks of pregnancy passed, one of the nurses was in my room during a routine appointment and saw how far along I was. She said, “girl, get ready to start throwing up.”

Literally some of the worst words you can speak to me. (Think of someone saying, “voldemort” instead of “he-who-must-not-be-named”)

Welp, panic set in rather quickly and I did not sleep. I was up all night, every night researching how to magically cast away the spell of morning sickness, or worse, all day sickness. I watched every youtube video, read pages worth of google article searches of tips and tricks mom’s SwEaR by and purchased a ridiculous amount of anti nausea candy, supplements, scents, bracelets - you name it. If it said anti-nausea, girl it was in my cart.

I prepared myself as much as I could but the day did come when the nausea hit me like when Neville Longbottom hit the ground when Hermione froze him. ALL THAT WORRYING. And guess what, I made it though - I was fine. I was prescribed a made-for-preganant-women anti nausea medicine and I pushed through and eventually it got better. All that time wasted on going down this anxiety hole for nothing. And truly, now, a year postpartum, I am actually happy I went through that because I feel it made me tougher AND it brought me my daughter of course.

Now the weight gain issue. Full transparency: I gained exactly 30 pounds during my pregnancy. I am 5 foot 3 and was originally 109 pounds. I am so thankful for my best friends who let me cry to them about feeling like a stranger in my body. Nothing quite felt worse to me than watching my body gain and gain. I know it was all for good reason, but honestly, that does not always make it easier. Going back to work at the three month mark was hard because I simply did not fit in any of my clothes. Spoiler alert, it is 1 year later and I still barely fit into any of my pants, my hips are wider, my thighs thicker and this was still my reality. That really sucker punched me in the gut for a long time.

Healing comes in such different ways for everyone and being forced to find comfortability in this body has been that for me. For a long time I would speak ill of myself and my husband would step in and say, “please don’t say that around our daughter, I want her to find confidence in you to have confidence in herself.” Welp, that's all he needed to say and now I try to see myself not through my harsh critic eyes, but through my daughter's eyes. And how she loves that I am strong to pick her up and play with her, to run and crawl around with her, to use my body to find joy with her.

All of this to say, push through your fears, give yourself grace - you come out the other side even better.

-Anonymous