I want to talk about independence. Not the kind of independence you might be thinking of, I am talking about being alone with your new baby for the first time kind of independence.

I would like to think that my postpartum recovery was somewhat normal, but then again I have no idea what normal is for that or if there is even a normal since we are all so different.

I was in a lot of pain postpartum. For the first week I could not physically walk, when I had to, I looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame. I don’t know why but standing up straight and walking was just not it lol. After a week that got better.

I was anemic almost my entire pregnancy and shouuuuuuld have been taking iron pills daily but I was bad and barely took them because it just added a layer of nausea on top of my thick layer of nausea. And added a layer of constipation to my pregnancy constipation. But postpartum I was kicking myself for it because I really felt the effects of anemia way more significantly.

I was still living at my parents house when my daughter was born, my husband was away and was not set to return until she would be three weeks old. (thank goodness for my parents help because I had NO confidence to be independent at this time - especially feeling as weak as I did)

It was time to take my daughter to her first doctor's appointment, which is about 3 days after you come home from the hospital. If you can picture it, I was walking into the doctor's office like the hunchback of Notre Dame, wearing a diaper and holding onto the wall as I walked because I was so iron deficient. My mom came with me but was parking the car so I was alone for the first portion of the visit.

In that SHORT amount of time (only alone for about 10 minutes), my daughter had to be butt naked to be weighed. She went on the scale nicely, I picked her up off the scale to hear what sounded like a dinosaur stubbing it’s toe. It was a shart. Like the shart of all sharts. Homegirl sharted all over me, I had poop dripping down the entire front of my outfit, I had sandals on and poop was squishing between my toes and it was also smeared all over the floor.

The nurse looked at me, saw the panic on my pale face and said, "It's okay mama, it happens. I frantically cleaned it up and thank goodness my mom walked in just after I was done because I felt like I was going to pass out. It was the most I exerted myself since literally pushing her out of me and my body was like NOPE.

I felt weak and embarrassed and had to sit down, drink gatorade and breathe to recoup. I felt super weak the rest of the day and it really made me get into my head.

I started thinking I would never be able to be independent and go out with my daughter, just us two alone. I felt like I physically couldn’t ever see myself doing that. Now I know that was my postpartum body and mind talking but it really got me into a slump and worried about what kind of mom I would be.

Fast forward 14 months and don’t get me wrong, things are still hard but so much more manageable for going on expeditions just us two. It takes practice and a little bit of confidence. You know your baby, and what they need and that doesn’t change if you're in your house or in trader joes!

Don’t get me wrong, it is always awkward taking the stroller out of the trunk and trying to open it in the parking lot alone. I don’t know why but it is one of those random things that just always feels embarrassing lol. But you slowly realize that the experiences and memories you’re making with your little one, trumps any feelings of awkwardness or uncertainty. Its amazing how a trip to the grocery store can become so much more fun when you experience it through the eyes of a little one who has never seen something quite like it before. (don’t get me wrong, not all outings are perfect, but those imperfect outings, give you even more tools on your independent equipt mama belt)

You got this mama, go explore the world with your little one!